FOURTEEN MINUTES, THIRTYSEVEN SECONDS

Eight hundred seventy-four seconds

In the scheme of life

Not long at all

The second hand didnt stop and

Neither did you

You plunged your way through my life,

My pride,

My virginity

You used my silence

And held my hostage in my own skin

The pictures on the wall

They were fresh and new

A life just waiting to happen

I could have walked away from you

You know I tried

I thought:

Out of reach would be far enough away

You would find a new obsession

I had been it long enough

Maybe you would walk away

But the prize called you back

Touching me wasnt enough

You had to ruin me for me

The mirror is unkind

It doesnt touch up what I see when I look into its eyes

Fourteen minutes

Just long enough to make it last forever

Its been forever ago

Why cant I just walk away

LORD knows you did,

Will you make your time count somewhere else again?

Some other girl

Some other time

Some other eight hundred seconds

June 2001

Why arent you sorry?

Your hands were on me,

Even with the turtleneck covering my head

You dreamed about me,

When I was jailbait

You touched me when she was showering,

Why arent you sorry?

And I dont mean those crocodile tears

You called remorse

You shed to keep me silent

And I dont mean those apologies

You gave when I caught your lies

You are sorry to keep me silent

But you were never sorry enough to be honest

Never sorry enough to get help

Never sorry enough to quit

You knew that my virginity was my only possession

You had no right to it

I never gave it to you

But you believed that in your divorce

You could hurt me

You said you were hurting and angry

But you did not stop to think where you would leave me

Why arent you sorry?

I am

June 2001

My blindness

You were strong

You wanted me know

You wanted me to tell you how strong you were

I thought that if I did not challenge you

If I did doubt your strength

You would not to prove it and

I would not have to pay for it

You were suave

You always wanted me to tell you how fine you were

You were angry because I called you vain

You were you know

You were the vainest person Id ever met

The problem was you were also mean and easily angered

You wanted me to feel violated and weak

I thought if you knew I was scared

If I didnt compete with you for power

If I didnt make you prove you were someone not to be reconded with

You would have no need to prove it

My blindness was self-inflicted

I was blind because I chose to be

I was blind to your true nature

I thought deep down you were a good man

You were just angry and

That was my doing

I still have to believe that it was you and not me

Or my clothes

Or my mannerisms

Or being at the wrong place with you

Or letting you in my life

I am not blind anymore

I see your crime now

Do you?

Do you see how weak you really are?

What did violating me really prove?

That you are violent and mean

I AM NOT BLIND ANYMORE

WHAT A MIRACLE THAT IS

June 2001

PERSONAL NOTE: